The Passionate Passion
by Rachele Stein
Summary: There is no plot whatsoever. Mad chickens, Snape in a coma with nothing but tube socks on, Draco and Dobby in couples counseling, Hermione in a chastity belt. What more do you want?
1. Revolutionary chickens

Disclaimer: Nobody's stealin' nobody's story around here.  
  
A/N: I will exchange my laundry for your laundry, no questions asked, but only if you REVIEW!!!!  
  
******  
  
"But, Dad," he ventured timidly, "what about Mom's pussy?" "That's not funny!" Dad snapped. "I suspect someone else is feeding it, because I haven't seen hide nor hair of it for weeks!" --National Lampoon  
  
******  
  
Part One - Revolutionary chickens  
  
It was the beginning of the sixth year, and Hermione was so breathtakingly beautiful that I cannot even write about it.  
  
Draco's silver-blond penis and testicles were just too exquisitely beautiful. I cannot write about them, either. Really.  
  
Nobody talks much about Ron or Harry in these kinds of stories, do they?  
  
Anyway, everyone went on a field trip to China. Instantly they were cursed by peasants after they suddenly Apparated on their farm and trampled their only chickens. And when I say cursed, I mean cursed. An army of angry revolutionary chickens, followed by their slaves who were a slew of angry computer science majors, came out of nowhere and attacked the students!  
  
Because they could read their auras and knew they ate chicken at Hogwarts for dinner every night, and the chickens HAD JUST HAD IT WITH THE IMPERIALIST PIGS!  
  
"But we were hungry!" Hermione cried, as one rogue hen bit into her forefinger. She flailed around madly, and a rogue CS major bit her other fingers with his unbrushed teeth, cramming all nine of her free fingers into his filthy mouth.  
  
Draco was busy protecting his genitalia.  
  
Harry was the only one who had the sense to use his wand, but someone coldcocked him with dung.  
  
It was getting desperate. . . .  
  
Ende  
  
******  
  
PS: I will also swap the contents of my fruit and vegetable drawer with you, no questions asked, if you will please just review this damn thing. 


	2. Three to a bed

A/N: Remember: he who loveth, chastiseth - I mean, revieweth!  
  
******  
  
Part Two - Three to a bed  
  
How they got home, nobody was sure, and I was too lazy to think of anything good. But home they were!  
  
Nobody was in the mood for chicken that night. . . .  
  
Everyone who went on the trip was laid up in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey was busier than a train conductor, and the sweat was pouring down her face in buckets. It was three to a bed, on those hard, horrible, single beds they give you in hospitals. And, mysteriously, all of the beds smelled like old people.  
  
"I'm lodging a complaint," Draco announced testily to his bedmates, Snape and Hermione. Snape was in the middle. He was nude except for a pair of tube socks with orange and yellow bands around the top. Fortunately, he was still in a coma. Hermione was deliberately overdressed in a formal winter coat belted at the waist, three sweaters, two pairs of sweatpants, and a wrought iron, hand-tooled chastity belt - but, strangely, no socks. . . .  
  
Draco eyed her suspiciously, his grey eyes as cold as a frozen flagpole when you stick your tongue to it. She eyed him defiantly, without fear or shame. "What the fuck do you think you're about, Mudblood?" he snarled.  
  
She raised an eyebrow. "I have three broken ribs," she said simply. "One of the CS freaks decided to engage me in some Greco-Roman wrestling."  
  
His eyes narrowed, colder, colder, so cold she had to pee, her bladder was going to burst, she rang the nurse's buzzer but nobody came with a bedpan, Madam Pomfrey was across the room going on about her fucking gout, why didn't this place have more than one fucking school nurse? There were hundreds of fucking students here, Hermione thought, why is Hogwarts so fucking cheap?  
  
"Stop it!" she screamed at him. Draco stopped. Snape tossed and moaned. Then Hermione felt something wet and slimy all over her toes. . . .  
  
Ende 


	3. Big toe fetish

Part 3 - Big toe fetish  
  
"Bollocks!" cried Hermione. Very, very few of the American readers knew what this meant. (Hint: silver-blond)  
  
That something wet and slobbery all over her toes . . . was Dobby.  
  
"How appropriate," smirked Malfoy, smirking his smirky smirk.  
  
Dobby looked up with those big, sympathetic, CGI eyes of his, Hermione's shiny wet big toe hanging in his mouth like a pacifier. "Dobby would love to serve Mistress Hermione. Dobby knows a magical place where we can go and do magical things to her feet."  
  
"Er . . . I'm flattered," Hermione began, "but--" She looked at Draco for help, but he was leaning forward, transfixed by the sight of her toe wedged in the elf's mouth.  
  
"What about me, Dobby?" Draco asked, pointing to his silver-blond crotch. "What about my needs?"  
  
Dobby frowned sadly. "Dobby no want dances with stumpy."  
  
Draco cursed and punched the air wildly. To think, a house elf talking to *him* in such a manner! Really!  
  
Snape tossed and moaned some more, so Draco kicked him savagely, causing him to land on the cheap linoleum hospital floor with a dull thud. Hermione jumped up to get out of the way. She slipped on her sopping wet foot and landed with a loud crack.  
  
"Two more ribs," she commented, unable to move, but by then Draco had picked up Dobby like a football and absconded with him!  
  
Ende  
  
******  
  
PS: If you know where the "Dobby no want dances with stumpy" line came from, I will send you my laundry (including socks, socks, socks!) free of charge. 


	4. Bad karma

Part 4 - Bad karma  
  
Finally, everyone felt better except Snape, who still tossed and moaned wildly. Nobody had bothered to dress him or even change his socks, even though he had several pairs.  
  
Dobby was pregnant, and both he and Draco were in couples counseling even though Draco insisted it was not his. Lucius, in his typical snobbish aristocratic way, cried "The *shame* of it!" and gave Dobby wedgies and flat tires at every available opportunity. Tom Felton was not available for comment.  
  
Hermione was pregnant, too, which made absolutely no sense because the chastity belt had been permanently attached to her body since the age of six.  
  
Even McGonagall was pregnant. . . .  
  
And Fawkes had just laid five eggs, despite being male. He *said* he didn't know where they came from.  
  
Was it aliens???  
  
Or mighty Jehovah???  
  
Or just plain bad karma?  
  
Just then a strange owl flew in, dropping a note at Hermione's feet.  
  
Nobody was pregnant after all. It was all a bad joke! Played by the chickens from chapter one!  
  
Hermione punched the first person she saw, who happened to be Snape still in his coma. Draco went up to his room, turned on some Yanni, and gently combed his silver-blond pubic hair with a silver-handled brush with the Malfoy family crest engraved on the handle. Dobby said "to hell with this place" and caught the next plane to Atlantic City, NEVER TO RETURN!  
  
When Dumbledore finally caught up with him, he was living in a pleasant mobile home retirement community and said he wasn't coming back. So that was the end of Dobby in this story. And that was the end of this story, period.  
  
Ende 


End file.
